Test Driving Self Energy
Earning the trust of protectors before they will give you permission to work with the exiles they are protecting is often the bulk of the work in IFS. I find that we can often get close to the exile but not quite be able to access it. I have been trying out a new way to give protectors a chance to really see what Self is capable of. Hopefully, this technique can be helpful for you.
This Self Test Drive is for when you have identified the exile and maybe even started to make a little contact. Your client (or you, if you are working with your own system) has noticed the shame that the exile holds underneath the anxiety, rage, and the inner critic. She was even able to spend a few seconds feeling that shame. But then protectors came in and disconnected her from that exile energy. In my experience, this is how it goes most of the time when we are starting to connect with a new exile. If, and this is a big if, the client has enough access to Self to get some space from these protectors, then you might try letting them take Self for a test drive. Here is what it looks like:
Therapist: “It sounds like these parts are not ready for you to really be with the 5-year-old that holds the shame right now. Let them know you get that and we are not going to push. I’m wondering, would these protectors like to know more about you so they have some good information to go on?”
Client: “They seem interested.”
Therapist: “Tell them we aren’t going to go to that 5-year-old until they are all ready to give us permission to do that. Instead, what if we invite these parts to watch how you would handle a hypothetical situation in the future? That way they can get a sense of what you can do without us needing to go near the part with the shame right now.”
Client: “Ok, they are willing to see how that goes.”
Therapist: “Great, invite them to stick close by and watch. I’m going to guide you through a hypothetical situation. Imagine next week you are babysitting for a friend of yours. She drops her 5-year-old daughter off with you for the afternoon. You notice after a couple minutes that this girl seems like she is feeling ashamed. What would you do so that this girl’s experience could go better than what you had to go through when you were 5?”
Client: “Well, I just wouldn’t ever let anyone be able to abuse her the way that happened to me. I would never leave her alone around someone who wasn’t trustworthy.”
Therapist: “Great, slow down in this scene and show this little girl that you are going to stick with her and you aren’t going to leave her alone with anyone untrustworthy.”
Client: “Yeah, she likes that. And if she feels bad, she can just talk to me about it and I will believe her. And if she doesn’t want to talk, then I can just make her some lunch.”
Therapist: “Pause for a second and tell me what you notice in your body.”
Client: “I feel pretty calm, maybe a little anxious.”
Therapist: “Got it. Ok, now walk me back through that whole thing again. A little slower this time.”
Here the client goes back through the rehearsal again. She notices how the hypothetical is feeling, she reassures her that she won’t leave her alone with anyone untrustworthy, she lets the kid feel that she is open to listening if the kid wants to talk, then she makes her lunch. We will usually go through this rehearsal 3-4 times, each time checking in with the body after. Once the client is able to do that whole rehearsal slowly and feel calm in their body after, then we check back in with the parts who were watching.
Usually, the protectors of this exile feel a lot more at ease. Maybe they don’t let us go right to the exile, but there is a lot less tension in the system having seen how Self is capable of taking care of a kid in very similar circumstances to this exile. It is also common that part way through the rehearsal exercise, the system lets the client be with the exile. The client says something like “Oh, I’m just with my 5 year old part right now.” At that point you switch into normal healing steps with an exile. My sense is that this happens because enough trust is generated that the protectors spontaneously relax back and the client isn’t taking care of a hypothetical kid anymore, they are just with their own exile.
Earning the trust of protector parts often takes a long time because a lot of it needs to happen out in the world between sessions. I think this Self Energy Test Drive has an impact because it gives the protective parts a firsthand experience of watching Self do the exact kind of work they aren’t sure they can trust the client’s Self to handle. We can’t try to convince or force protectors. They are too smart and experienced, and this will only deteriorate whatever trust there is. I hope this approach will help your clients to actively earn more trust from their protectors a little quicker than they might have otherwise. Trust building always needs to be experiential.
