Anger, the Dragon of Winterfell

First disclaimer: I know Winterfell mostly didn’t have any dragons. Right until the end there. 

Second disclaimer: this idea is not for folks whose problem is way too much anger. This is for the systems that have anger tightly locked up in a cage.

Picture the inhabitants of Winterfell trying to go about their daily lives, working in the blacksmith’s shop, tending the horses, making bread, or whatever. If there was a giant dragon living in the middle of the courtyard, this would be a disaster. It would be smashing into things every time it moved. It would eat all the sheep. So they are spending all their time now trying to tie down the dragon so it won’t thrash, or feed it so it will be calm and go to sleep. The dragon becomes a perpetual energy drain, a constant threat to their whole way of doing things. Even if it is asleep, they are probably preparing for how to deal with it when it wakes up.

This is how many people’s inner worlds relate to their angry part. Parts are constantly working to keep that angry one locked down or pushed away. When you get close to it, you often notice huge reactions in the system. This is because most of the other protective parts view the anger as a threat to the work they are doing. But why?

Let me give you a sweeping generalization here: most of the deepest wounds are the attachment wounds. When attachment wounding happens, protective parts come into being in our psyches with an overall goal of maintaining the possibility of staying close to Mom, Dad, or whoever is responsible for us. Little 5-year-old you could not handle food, clothing, shelter, and safety. So even if Dad was a dangerous, scary person who was abusing you, you needed to stay connected. You still needed him to be responsible for your care. So your parts went to work making that possible. One part started hypervigilantly tracking Dad’s moods. Another pushed down your emotions so you would be palatable. Maybe a third would pull you right out of your body and your experience when he was hitting you. All that let you remain there and keep receiving whatever care Dad could offer you. But the part of you that held the anger towards Dad, that one would have derailed that whole project. So lots of those parts took on a shared project of making sure the part with the anger was kept far, far away.

Anger has a disconnect-to-protect quality to it. Fear can elicit care from others. Sadness can elicit compassion. There is a possibility that these emotions can lead to more connection. Anger’s whole job is to stop the injustice and get you some space. But for that little 5-year-old you, that was not going to help. So for all these years and decades, that same project of keeping the angry dragon tied down and locked away has been continuing. This is why it is so common that only when the system lets us finally get close to the exile do we make contact with the angry protector part. Usually, the angry protector is very close to the little one. Often, they are even fused together. This is because the little one’s pain and the angry protector’s anger were equally threatening to the project of keeping Dad taking care of you.

So, dragons are a huge problem. They terrorize the townspeople, burn stuff up, and eat all the sheep. Until a Targaryen shows up. Then they become the most powerful ally that you and your bannermen could ever hope for. The big update we need to give your system is that Self can handle the anger. Self can ride the dragon. And when that is allowed to happen, people have access to a part of them that holds immense power. Yes, keeping the dragon locked up was necessary for that 5-year-old to hold on to a relationship with Dad. But things are so different now. Now that anger can be felt by the adult Self, and even spoken for in important relationships. Self can help that part move its energy through and out of the body in productive ways. That dragon’s energy can empower Self to set healthy boundaries and push back when needed. Once the system realizes that Self can ride the dragon, it becomes a part of the system that actually helps with healthier boundaries and stronger relationships. Once you stop locking it up, the dragon doesn’t have to break out and take over anymore. And often, that step is the key to the system being ready to let you heal that 5-year-old for good.